Guilt and the Heart

Tonight, Carrier pointed me toward a short story by Edgar Allen Poe entitled The Tell-Tale Heart. I had forgotten how chilling of a writer Poe can be. Basically, a young man becomes focused on an old man's eye...described as a vulture's eye. One can only presume he was speaking of glaucoma. During the chilling tale, the young man slowly plots the old man's murder, not for greed, not for hate, but because of the single eye that haunted him. At the witching hour each night, he would slowly enter the old man's room, practicing, taking hours to go in unnoticed. On the appointed night, he startles the old man, but remains unseen, not moving a muscle. Then in one swift move he kills the old man and hides him. Police come, due to a shriek heard by a neighbor. The young man invites them in and chats with them, not hinting anything is wrong. But in the course of discourse, the young man starts to hear the old man's heart beating and beating...getting louder and louder. In a fit of madness he dashes to the room, unboards the body, and shows the policemen.

As I was reading, I could hear my heart getting faster and faster and faster. Guilt. It's a strange entity. We do things, because we convince our rational minds that it is necessary. After the deed is done, however, we renumerate about it. Our rational mind and subconscious mind wrestle if what we did was right or wrong, id versus the superego. Usually our conscience gets the better of us. And guilt rears it's head. My friend thought that I was sort of like the protagonist in the story. He said that I am capable of focusing on minute details and getting riled up about it. I have a fantastic ability to get upset and stay upset for awhile. I'm not so sure about that one, but I admit that I do have a temper. But I think I usually cool down in about an hour or two. Lasting grudges are rare, but they happen. Guilt plays a large role in my inability to sustain anger. I start thinking. And then, I know that I shouldn't have done what I did, or say what I did. So I break my stony silence and apologize. I have emotions, yes. And like any other human being, I express them...perhaps not in the best of ways at times, but what person ever does?